Dress Code: You are advised to come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci
bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not
need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to manage your money
better, so you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as
proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor's... you are
able to come to work.
Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a
year. (They're called Saturdays & Sundays).
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There
is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral
arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary;
the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad
to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave an
hour early.
Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
toilet. There is now a three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the
end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After a second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught
smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental
health policy.
Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they
need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get
15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average
figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions,
comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, insinuations,
aggravations, allegations, accusations, contemplations and input should
be directed elsewhere.
The Management.
